I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
