is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
