I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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