who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
