I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
