my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize