I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
