hell yes lets make some ravioli
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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