You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
