I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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