So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
