whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
