dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
