What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
