he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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