I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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