I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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