I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
