Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
