Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
