we have pet lesbian snakes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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