true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
