i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
