Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He passed out mid-signature
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
