My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
