The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
