I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
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