I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
