Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
