so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
