If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
