thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
