Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
