i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
