I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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