the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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