Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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