Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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