After last night, I could never be a politician.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
