So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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