Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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