And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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