I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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