do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
