My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
