Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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