apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
