Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
