If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize