I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
