The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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