This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
