hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
