you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just googled if crying burns calories
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
