i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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