the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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